Questions that baffle all of mankind
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can’t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why didn’t he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?
~
A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.
"Why?" asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
"Well, I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."
The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation. "Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats shoots and leaves." ~ January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels ....Helllooo!!! .... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!! March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!" April - Trapped on the Macy’s escalator for hours after the power went out!! May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope. July -Lost breast stroke swimming competition ...... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm .....car swamped because soft-top was open. September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it??? October - Hate M&M's.....they are so hard to peel. November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!! December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!! What a year!! ~ Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and
what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!' Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?' A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!' A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.' ~ County pays $250,000 to advertise lack of funds Army vehicle goes missing after being painted with camouflage At a glance, here are the changes: 1)The orbituaries are now in the D section 2)The D section is now called life ~ I’m reminded of a true story about my sweet granddaughter who just turned 15 on Tuesday. When she was about three, her great, great grandma died. This woman was one of the nicest ladies I ever knew. Right in the middle of the funeral service this darling child started singing her favorite song, “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead”. The place erupted in laughter. ~ Lame one A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse,'.... he mumbles, from behind the mask, 'are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again............ 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and carefully takes his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then she takes a close look, and gently replaces his gown and bedding. 'There's nothing wrong with them, sir.'
With difficulty, the man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely. 'ARE-MY-TEST-RESULTS-BACK?' ~ Scientists have shown that moon is moving away at a tiny although measurable distance from the Earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 65 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the Earth’s surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs – the tall ones, anyway. ~ Last month, University of Botswana scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects: 1) Argued over nothing. 2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong. 3) Gained weight. 4) Talked excessively without making sense. 5) Became overly emotional. 6) Couldn't drive. 7) Failed to think rationally. 8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary. ~ A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says....... "Grandpa....Go home, you're drunk." ~
10. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. 9. A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. 8. I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code. 7. Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. 6. My pokemon bring all the nerds to the yard, and they're like you wanna trade cards? Darn right, I wanna trade cards, I'll trade this but not my charizard. 5. I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly. 4. 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d 3. Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips." 2. If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0 1. There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't. 10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk". 9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial. 8. The cat is on Valium. 7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth. 6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated. 5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family. 4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners. 3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials. 2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash. 1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
~ Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Do you have trouble making up your mind? Well, yes or no?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?
Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. (Friend or Money !)
Death is hereditary.
There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.
An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. ~
3/24/2009 12:05:00 PM
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